A Coffee Meeting

It was one of the worst days to be late to my meeting. But in all fairness, they were all legitimate reasons: my alarm never went off, no one let the dog out so of course I had to, some stupid jerk decided it would be the best idea to go five under the speed limit, and to top it off I could not find a parking space so I had to park five blocks away and walk. It was ‘one of those days’. As I entered the coffee shop there were a few people chatting away, lost in their own conversations about the latest ‘did you hear?’ while others were taking a nice nosedive into their laptops, most likely on face book or youtube, or something pointless like that. I looked around for my friend and I spotted him at the two-seat table by the window. He seemed to be intrigued by all the busy people walking by that hardly had time for a chat over coffee. It was hard not to find him; after all he was the woodsiest yet homely looking man there. He sat sipping his black coffee, his deep brown eyes gazing out the window as if it were a theater stage. He had semi worn jeans (most likely Levi’s) and a warm looking button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows. I never did understand his very unfashionable liking for his worn sandals. He never seemed to be bothered by the fact that everyone knows you don’t wear sandals all day every day. His beard, bushy yet neatly trimmed, gave him that father figure look. Even after all these years he had not changed, not one bit. He never looked over at me, though I thought for sure that he saw me walk in. I ordered my very much-needed caffeinated tea, dumped some sugar in it (again, it was one of those days), grabbed a stirrer and sat down across from my friend. Without even glancing at me he solemnly said, “It’s incredible how busy people are these days.”

“Yeah” was all I could think of as a response for I knew he was including me in that category. You see, my friend has been asking me to meet with him for years. Yes. I did just say years. I am almost surprised the poor man agreed when I asked if he wanted to grab a coffee, to which he responded, “ I hope you can give more time than to just grab your coffee”. He had an insightful sense of humor. Now that I think of it though, I never actually laughed too often at his jokes because they were more of a wake up call with a dose of truth mixed in. As we sat there sipping our hot beverages I casually asked him, “So what’s new with you?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“Well, yeah…I just thought I’d start a conversation somehow after all these years.”

He looked at me with eyes that danced with joy yet lingered in a calm sadness. I decided to just go ahead and jump to the point. “Look, I asked to meet with you because, well, I’m not doing so great.” He was silent so I took the liberty to continue. “You see, I’m okay with where I am in life, don’t get me wrong. Ya know, I got everything going good and smooth but....” I got lost and tangled in my memories. Memories of close friends leaving me, my father being diagnosed with cancer, my uncertainty of the future. Then my thoughts were interrupted by a gentle voice, “But your heart is what’s not so good”.

“Well. Yes. I mean it’s not like I’m depressed. No that’s not it at all. I just. I’m feeling a bit lost. I’m feeling a bit left behind, a bit broken. I’m feeling…” I searched for the word that really described my state but could not for the life of me think of it. After a few seconds of random hand gestures and odd faces my friend decided to help me out, “Empty” he said almost sounding delighted. This tone baffled me so I asked, “Why did you say it like that? You almost sound relieved. Aren’t you supposed to be sad or hurt that I feel this way?” I was unnoticeably getting annoyed and frustration seeped into my tone. I felt I was on a roll so I continued my necessary case against my friend. “You know how much I’ve gone through; my financial difficulties, my friendship issues, my own hurts. I know you know what I am talking about so don’t act like you’re sad for me now!” I began to feel my heart race. It felt so good to know I was justified in what I was saying. As some would say I was really ‘giving it to him’. “You’ve told me time and time again to listen to your advice, to follow it and everything would work out for good. Well mister I-know-all-about-your-life I hate to say that you don’t know a thing about my life. I have not seen you in years and you’ve told me that you’re advice is the best way to life? Oh, no my friend. That is where you are wrong. I think I would know me the best since I’m me. You’re not me!” At that point I realized I was now standing and the cashier was staring me down. I waved the ‘my apologizes’ hand, took my seat, and then looked straight at my friend, “You. Are. Not. Me.” He had not flinched during my soapbox sermon; the speech did not even seem to faze him. Then looking into his cup of coffee that had maybe one or two sips left he calmly broke my serge of frustration with this question, “Then why are you here?”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Then why are you here?”

I was now that kid who just got hit too hard in the stomach with the ball during dodge ball. I searched for an answer to that very simple question. For some reason I found myself staring into my cup of tea as if by magic an answer would appear spelled out in alphabet soup letters. Needless to say that never happened. So after some consideration I gave the very deep and philosophical answer of “I have no idea”. There was silence for what seemed like hours. He kept gazing at me, as if I would suddenly have an answer if he looked intently enough at me. Then in a voice so pure and light that even the breeze could not carry he said, “Be honest with me, admit why you’re really here”. I began to think back to the day I had called him up and then I began to speak not knowing what I was really saying or even if I made complete sentences.

“You’ve told me over and over how to live the best life but in all honestly, I can’t do that. It is way too hard. I am just so busy. I have life to live and life to figure out. You’re advice and standards for living is so inconvenient. It’s ridiculous. I wonder if you even know what comes out of your mouth sometimes. It’s so illogical. So I’m failing. Miserably. Just keep me out of your big plans or your life changing advice because I can’t take it and apply it. I just keep messing it all up. I am miserable living this way because I feel like such a screw up. I am not good enough to live the way you’re telling me to. I’ll continue to mess it up, I promise you that.”

Silence. A sip. A smile.

“What? What in the world are you smiling at? You asked me to be honest and I blatantly was and now you’re just going to sit there and smile at me? Are you serious?”

“Because of all you admitted to me now, I can help you even more. But you have to be willing to have my standards and advice to be inconvenient and hard to apply. That’s all part of the challenge. I know how much life has gotten to you and I’ve seen your troubles.”

This was one of my favorite topics to get fired up about. “Then why haven’t you helped me out? You know I need a job and some financial security.”

“Yes. But if you had all you needed where would that put me? Aside until the next valley comes? No. I need to see who you are when the job is gone, when the money is not always there. Are you still willing to live inconveniently even when your life is already inconvenient?”

“What so this is all a stupid test of yours? How does this help me?”

“Call it what you will, but you’ll see how your self-discipline and diligence in the little things lead to bigger blessings.”

That made sense to me and doused my fired up spirit. Be diligent in the small things and you’ll be trusted with the bigger jobs. It made sense from a logical standpoint at least. He had finished his last sip. I knew our talk was going to be over soon, he never likes to sit down and answer all my questions. Then he began, “I just need to ask one thing”. I had never heard him ask something of me before. “Go ahead” I responded half with hesitation and half with fear. “What will you give to me?”

“What kind of question is that?” He did not respond but left me to answer the question. I looked around, “Uhm, I don’t know, you can have my watch or something, I really don’t get it”. He decided to translate his foreign question into another foreign language, “What will you trust me with?” My first response was to just get up and walk away because he sounded like a crazed homeless man begging for valuables in a weird way. But then I thought. It clicked. “I have nothing to offer.”

“Why not?” he asked, rather intrigued.

“Because all I have is my messed up past life, my messed up present life, and most likely a messed up future life. Like I said, I mess up everything. I have nothing to give you because I don’t even have my life figured out. I don’t have anything figured out. I have completely empty hands.” He then grabbed his coffee cup in his large hand, leaned forward and whispered, “There are two things you should know about me, one I am an expert at creating beauty from ashes and failures and two the only thing I ever wanted was willing yet empty hands. After all, I did not come merely to discuss your life with you; I came to give life to you”. With that he swiftly stood up, dropped some money in the tip jar, and walked out the door. Though I had not talked to him for years, I knew he was looking out for me. I realized it was time to have a friendship with him again. He never answered all my questions, but he always gave me the comfort I was looking for. Let me tell you, I never forgot that day. The day that I had coffee with God.

An Undisguised Hero

What makes people great? Is it their strength, their brains, their courage, their wealth, their beauty, their fame? It seems these days that those are what make people great. In today's world it seems only those with super powers can be super heroes. These days we have those everyday type of heroes, that save people lives, that everyday are all about doing their job and helping to save lives. Now, I am not condemning our faithful firefighters, cops, doctors, soldiers, or any other life saving profession. But, what about those people who do not have a job entitled to save lives? What about the woman who helped an elder take her bags from her car to her house? What about the guy in the car who let another person pull into the traffic line in front of him? Aren't they heroes too? Or are they not because they did no life saving? To be a hero do you have to save a life in a dangerous or risky situation? To be a hero is not to save a life, but to change a life. To be someone great is not to have the greatest amount of something. To be someone great, is to have a big heart for others, to have love. Celebrities who have all this money donate it to different charities, just a small portion of their wealth, and suddenly they are a hero. What about those working in soup kitchens donating their time or better yet those moms who donate their lives to serving their families? Are they not a great person only because they did not donate thousands of dollars on a single charity? Our world has come to a very strange place where we only count the ones with the most to be the biggest givers, influencers, and heroes. What about those teachers who teach students the very essence of life and knowledge? What about parents who spend their lives raising and loving their children even when the children may yell and hate them back? Why is it that those who live normal lives are the ones that are the greatest people, but yet are not recognized for it? Honestly, this world is out of control. I has everything mixed up and backwards. For "whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven". (Matthew 18:4)

Those who are greatest are not the ones giving away the most, but those giving their love and heart to others. The greatest man is the humble man. So tell me, is the celebrity who is flaunting their action of donating the most the humble man in the world? For whoever is humble like this child is the greatest man in the kingdom of heaven. To be great is to be humble. To be great is to think of others before yourself. To be great is to help others. To be great is to love like Christ loved. To be great is to be humble.

Simon Says, Say I Love You

"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." What really is love? Is it simply a phrase we use when departing from someone that is close to us? It shouldn't be. But it seems that is the only time we really let people know we love them. Ever hear someone say the inspirational line, "maybe your looking but not really seeing" or "maybe you're not really seeing what you're looking at"? This can be applied to love in a way. Love is about really seeing what you are looking at, not just looking and moving on. For example, anyone could memorize all your favorites and know all these little facts about you...or just be looking. But if someone were to really see, they would know when you are sad without even asking or know what cheers you up. Love is taking the time to slow down and know or find out the different ways people work and think. Everyone has a few people that are really close to them. Those people who are close to you become close to you because they took the time to slow down and say, "hey, you know what I love being with you. I want to see what else I love about you."

When I was in tenth grade, I was apart of a theatrical production called "Our Town" by Thornton Wilder. It is simply about life in three acts. The first act is about daily life, the second about love and marriage and the third about death. This play uses no props and only some essential set pieces such as tables and chairs. Wilder did this so the audience would not be distracted by anything flashy or showy but would solely focus on the actors. In the third act, the lead female of the play, that had gone through high school and had gone on to marry the lead male, died while giving birth. In this act she is allowed to go back to the living and relive one day. She decides to relive her twelfth birthday. However she is able to observe the happenings of that day while knowing what has happened to her in her life. Instead of being happy to see her mother and father again, she ends in a despair filled monologue. In this she speaks of how it is sad that no one slows down to see what we have in life. This female, Emily, makes inspirational statements once she realizes her mother really does not show love the Emily wanted her to. "Oh Mama, just look at me for one second as though you really saw me. Mama! Fourteen years have gone by - I married George Gibbs - Wally's dead too! But just for a moment now we're all together - Mama just for a moment let's be happy." Of course her mother cannot hear her say this for Emily is dead and only reliving this day over. Emily goes on to say, "It goes so fast. We don't have time to look at one another." She then asks this deep question, "Do any humans ever realize life while they live it - every, every minute?" The truth is that no, we do not.

While "Our Town" is a very inspirational play, I cannot help but apply that to my life. Or any human beings life for that matter. We do not slow down in life. It's all about really telling people how we feel, not waiting and maybe letting people pick up on how we feel. Because we never really know if we will ever have the chance to tell them. To me, it's like if someone asked me why I loved them and I just said, "Oh just because I do." What kind of answer is that!? It is like telling them, "Well, really, I wasn't planning on loving you, it was kind of an accident." But when you can answer them by saying something like, "I love how every time we see each other your face just lights up and a huge smile shows up on your face. And that makes me smile and feel loved. That's one of many reasons why I love you" that's a real answer. When you can really tell someone why you love them, that is a friendship or a relationship. It is not always about loving someone because they are funny, smart, nice, and make you laugh. Some times it is about the moments that make you say to yourself "wow I love him/her". Or about what they do to show their personality and make you say, "do that again!" because it makes you laugh so much. When you can slow down and say "it makes me smile every time I think about the way you smack yourself on the forehead and groan every time I make you feel like a good" that is really loving someone.

Really, do not just expect people to know you love them, actually tell them, let them know. It is far more then just I love being with you. It is about saying you love being with them and then saying now I want to know what makes you tick. Take the time to slow down. Take the time to really see what you are looking at. Do not pass up opportunities to love. Go ahead, tell them you love them and tell them why. Because the greatest thing in the entire world is love.

"...the greatest of these is love..."

We're Following the...Who?

Have you ever wondered why you have been set as a leader for others? Well I have. A lot. Sometimes I wonder if I can really be strong enough to lead people. What if someone comes to you for something but yet you are struggling the same way, can you really help them without being a hypocrite? Or what if you are not as grounded in the truth as you thought and you are really leading people the wrong way and yet you think you are telling them the right thing? Some days you think you need to be perfect in order to be a leader. Some days you do not feel like you are strong enough to even lead people. I know I want to be the leader I was called to be. Some days I feel like I cannot even do that. I have recently come up with an analogy that displays the "job" or the responsibilities of a leader.

When you go to a historical site or a tour of any kind you will always have a tour guide. Without a guide you would have no idea where to go. You would have no real idea as to what you were looking at nor the significance of what you are looking at. You may not even know where the start is and where the end is. It is just a whole lot easier with a tour guide, isn't it? A leader can do what a tour guide does. They can lead others to the next place, the next step in life. They can have the responsibilities to help people slow down and help them understand what they are looking at in life. They can help people learn the information, or rather help them become rooted in the truth.

However, there's a catch. Tour guides need to learn the information, they need to memorize it and know it by heart. They need to go through the tour themselves, and they need to apply the information to the correct place. Then and only then, when the guide has gone through it all and memorized all the information, can they lead others on the tour. A leader has to be rooted in the truth or God's word and has to go through their own struggles and challenges to be able to come out strong and able to lead the way God wants them to. A leader needs to be able to apply wisdom in the correct circumstances. Just like a guide needs to learn the information from the historians, a leader has to learn the information from the history-maker.

The True Truth About Trust

TRUST.

Do we humans really comprehend what trust even is? Every morning we trust that we are still healthy and breathing. We trust the sun will rise, that food will be available to be eaten, and that our house is still there. There are so many things that we don’t even think about trusting, but we do everyday. Like the fact that we’ll get our paycheck from our boss or that our car will start. So, do we as humans really understand how huge of a role trust plays in our daily lives?
Yet when it comes to trusting people we have such a problem. Why? We have trusted all these normal daily things since our birth, but yet we can’t seem to trust our brothers and sisters, the ones made in the likeness of God. Doesn’t it seem silly that we have problems trusting people? And then when someone we do trust hurts us, we doubt ourselves that very second as to why in the world we trusted him or her. Answer me this, how many times have you said, “I can’t believe I trusted you”? I am assured that we all can think of at least once when we have said that phrase.
But why trust people when they always let us down, am I right? Why should you or I trust people when they just hurt and stab us in the back? How many times have we thought this? I know I’ve thought these thoughts plenty of times. Yet, somehow, against all protest we go ahead and trust either the same person again or someone else. Why? Well, because forgiveness and compassion has been set in our hearts. What I want to get to is this; why do people become afraid to trust? One reason would be from experience of friends not being trustworthy all throughout the course of life. The second reason is much deeper then that. I think that we tend to just give people our hearts and just flat out trust them and put everything into that one or more persons. All the time knowing they will let you down, they will lie, they will disappoint, they will hurt you; it’s just how humans are. We can’t be perfect no matter how hard we try. So when that person that you trust so much and have put your whole life in the hands of fails even once and doesn’t do something right, you just blow them off. You stop trusting them, or you make a huge deal out of it. I know full well that we have all done this at least once in our lives. This is where you come to that point, you can’t believe you ever trusted them.
From the very beginning I can say there is something completely different that we could do. I have learned for myself that I should have still trusted that person the same way I did, but I shouldn’t have put everything into that one person. It’s like that saying never but all your eggs in one basket. For if you lose that one basket, you have no more eggs; none. There’s a better choice, and it’s to put everything you have into God. He will never let us down like other people do. Think of the most trustworthy person you know, God is so much more then a “gazillion-billion” times more trustworthy then that person. Personally, I need to stop trusting people to bring me all I need emotionally and mentally. I trust people to do so much for me. In all honesty, that’s not fair to everyone else. I shouldn’t expect someone I love to give me everything I need. I’m really setting them up for failure and disappointment. It’s not a question of whom to trust, but it’s more of how much are you trusting in your trust.

Trust. True. Truth.
Trust is built on how true the truth your speaking really is.

To Feel Beautiful

I have "resurrected" a journal I wrote on facebook awhile back in tenth grade. It still rings true today and I think that it is something that even to this day I need to hear and many other girls need to hear. Honestly, it wouldn't hurt you guys to read this as well.

I did an experiment this week, it only lasted two days however. Monday morning for school, I threw my hair into a ponytail, threw on a sweatshirt and jeans, put no make-up on and wore the usual sneakers. The next day, Tuesday, I wore a very "cute" top over a polo and jeans, cute shoes, and wore my hair down.
Most may think so what, you wore different things those two days. But the truth is I felt like two different people in those two days. I'm a girl and all girls want to get some attention to feel good about themselves. Even if they don't admit it, people's opinions do matter to some extent. Monday all through school, barely anyone talked to me, hardly anyone looked at me, and I felt so insecure I looked down when I walked down the halls. On the contrary Tuesday, about six or seven girls complimented me and I got various looks from different guys. This made me feel great, although I'm not caught up in what people think it boosted my confidence to know people noticed me.
So what does this have to do with anything, you may ask. Well this has to do with alot of things. But pretty much I just want to talk about one, something I like to call Self-confidence Beauty. And my deal with it is this, people go through Highschool with a status mainly because of how they look, no matter what school you go to. Some girl that doesn't know how to dress "cute" or isn't into that style can't feel good about herself just because people see how she dresses and reacts on that. Because guys aren't even looking at her she thinks she's not beautiful or pretty. Now I'm not talking about sexy or hott, I'm talking about, well, feeling good about yourself. Why is it that people have to work so hard to achieve beauty that's already there? Why can't girls feel confident in their beauty while walking down the school halls even when wearing a sweatshirt and jeans? Why can't we see the real beauty inside and actually step out and talk to that person? Why do we only stop to get to know someone when the only reason we stopped to talk to them was because of their looks?

The world sees it as this...
To Feel Beautiful, a girl has to be able to make guys turn their heads
To us as Christians it should be seen as this...
To Feel Beautiful, a girl has to have the joy of life within her, and the glory of God shinning through her
Basically I want to encourage girls to be able to be better off independent and with a strong basis with God. Cause honestly, he's the most important thing right now..

A Collection of Shells

When we collect shells on the beach we pick up a shell and decide to keep it because it is beautiful or unique or perfect. If it is not, it simply gets thrown back into the water because it is not good enough to enlarge our collection of perfect, unique, beautiful shells. Perhaps one was picked up out of the water and then accidentally dropped into the incoming tide and lost, then given up on. When I reflect upon my experience with collecting shells or even observe others doing this, I become immensely excited and overjoyed to realize that God does not do this with us. He does not throw us back to our life simply because we were too broken or just too plain boring. Nor does he accidentally drop us into the water and say, "Oh well, I'll just find another". He uses each and every one of us, but only if we are willing to do what he asks. He asks us to serve and to glorify him. Most times we cannot even fathom the things he will use us for, even if we see ourselves as broken or ugly. Even if we are a tiny or big shell, he will still add all of us to his collection of servants for his name. But again, only if we are willing. Only if we ask to be used. Only if we ask to be worked from within. Once we become a part of his collection, we can never lose our worth. He will take pride in every single one of his precious shells. We are his own and will always be treasured.

Poor Blind Eyes

It is always hard to keep going and have hope, when you can see nothing that is in front of you. It is like driving through a densely foggy night. You drive as slow as you can, you try to turn your fog lights on, you squint, you do everything you possibly can to try to see what is in front of you. But you cannot do anything. You get frustrated and angry because you are just trying to get home or to some other destination. But it also is always a bit scary isn’t it? You do not know what lies ahead, where the road goes, what is in the road, or what could cross over the road. It is the same with life. Sometimes you feel like you are going 2 mph in life, you are trying so hard to grope for something; a future, a job, a lifestyle. You feel like you have your fog lights on, that you are constantly praying about it and asking God where in the world He wants you to go. But still, all the effort still results in blindness. You never know what is going to make you dodge or swerve in life, because you just cannot see. You plead and beg God to just let you see, to just let you know what is even two inches in front of you. But He does not respond. Silence. No answer. No help. No sight. So your left alone. In Silence. Blinded and frustrated.

Isn’t it so easy to get discouraged? You feel like yelling up to God telling Him to wake up, to start doing His job, right? But you know that it does not work like that, that God will only answer you according to His will. Doesn’t that seem selfish of Him to do that sometimes? He never lets us see what we need to see. I find myself saying that a lot. “God, if you just give me a glimpse of what you have in store for me, perhaps I will be a little more patient” or, “If I were God I would let me see what my future holds.” What philosophy we have sometimes! Christ was in the right when he scolded us for having so little faith (Matthew 8:26). As humans we often times do not understand this philosophy of being still and waiting on the Lord (Psalm 37:7), and having eyes through faith. All throughout life we are constantly using our eyes, constantly seeing, it is no wonder we have trouble having faith in what we do not see! Imagine being blind, not for life, but for only one day. Imagine having to keep your eyes closed a whole day and trusting someone or something to guide you around all day long. Helen Keller knew what this was like and she knew what knowing darkness and silence were like. She once said, “Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.” She truly knew what it was to be content in not knowing what may have been in front of her.

I am sure we have all played that game where one person is blind folded and another friend guides him or her through an obstacle course of some sorts. Or we have all dared to fall straight back onto someone who is waiting to catch us. I know I have never liked those games because I always wanted to be in control, I always wanted to be the one to see, and I rarely fell back on someone before asking them millions of times if they were truly ready to catch me. We all, including myself, are so easily scared to completely trust someone to guide us, to let them do everything.

Humans love power and control. It is in our human hearts. But there is a catch, as Christians we are no longer called to be apart of this world (Romans 12:2). We have been made alive and a new man in Christ (Romans 6:5-10). So we need no longer to think with our human minds or feel with our human hearts. We need no longer to be impatient with God. We can have the security of hope for the future (Jeremiah 29:11). We are not God, and we could never be God. I know if I were God, the world would either be completely messed up or we would all be hippies. We no longer need our eyes to see what is in front of us. We do not need to beg and plead God to show us something of our future. All of these feelings and actions can be replaced with one thing, Faith. When we are driving through that heavy fog, we have faith that we will be okay. Likewise, when we are going through life, we need to have faith that we will be okay. Even though people may have thought that Helen Keller must have been miserable in life due to her blindness, she saw her life in a whole different way. “I can see, and that is why I can be happy, in what you call the dark, but which to me is golden. I can see a God-made world, not a manmade world.” She saw through the eyes of faith, so why can’t we? Patience.

You can have lots of it or none at all. Waiting on the Lord is one of the hardest things to do. Have you ever gone somewhere with someone and they tell you “Wait here”? So you do as you are told and you wait. For what? Why wait there? How many of us get up and start walking around or wandering off places all because it is too boring to wait for something. A something that we have no idea what it is. How many of us begin to think of everything that we could possibly be waiting for? Or how many of us count the minutes that go by? We all become impatient at some point. The same goes with waiting for God to show us a little bit more of what lies ahead.

But what about those who can go ahead and write out an outline of the rest of their lives? Why do they get to be special? Honestly, who knows. Only God, and he knows what is best for his children. No matter how hard we try saying “But God this is not fair!” will not make anything better. I once heard a phrase which really made me think and it was this, “How faithful are you even when no one is clapping?” How faithful are we when all we are doing is waiting, and waiting, and waiting, for what? Well you do not know. Do you still praise God during that time or do you get fed up with him? Do you still love him as much as you did before?

So it is now up to you. What will you do? You are driving in dense fog on a dark night. What you choose to do now, will determine your walk with God. Take the challenge. The challenge to wait, and be happy about it. Learn to dance in the rain. Learn to walk in the darkness. Learn to see life as if you were blind.

Rememberances

To remember is to enter your most dreaded and darkest room in the house. To remember those fears and pains and heart breaks is to enter the room that has remained locked. Standing outside that door your heart pounds with the overpowering sense of terror. "Don't make me enter that room, at least don't make me enter that door alone." But you are drawn to enter because you remember. Imagination can do wonders or it can tear you apart from the inside. To stand before that dreaded door terrified and alone. You remember what is in there, you remember that darkness, that great sadness. To remember is to enter that darkness. To remember is to let it overtake you. To let the mind wander can be a very dangerous thing. But once you enter that dreaded door, there is no going back, no wishing things were different, no running away from the issues and problems. Once you enter, you can be consumed and overtaken. But there is hope, yes, there is hope. But you are too blind to see it. You have stayed too long in that room, too long behind that door. You have let all these emotions and the memories of conversations and circumstances consume you constantly. You have been constantly overtaken by all those memories. You have been paralyzed by your own mind that you cannot even turn around to see your one and only hope. Light. To shed even one ray of light in the darkness will then slowly rid the entire room of it. But how can you think of light in darkness? Will then the darkness slowly be shattered by the light? All there is, is the darkness all around you. You have been living in this darkness for far too long. Turn around. Reach out your arm. Stop living with your heart overtaken by fear. Stop living with your shoulders bent over from the weight of the great sadness. To remember is really to forgive. To remember is far from forget but it is to live again. To remember is to enter your most dreaded and darkest room in the house with the intentions of turning the light on. Once the light is turned on, it will stay on. But it does take a lot of work and constant reminders to keep that light shining in that room that was once filled with darkness. However, you can freely pass through the rooms once there is no more darkness and it is exposed to the light that you worked to turn on. To remember is to enter the darkness and to reach out for that moment of shining glorious and magnificent light. Go ahead, take a step towards that door, turn the knob, push open that door, and take that first step into the darkness. Don't be afraid to move, to reach out, and to forgive it all.

Disclaimer

This is my disclaimer, if you will. I have wanted to have a blog for some time, just to share things going on in my head and heart. I feel strongly about sharing what has happened in my life and in my own heart. Please, feel free to encourage others or even me or even share your own thoughts and opinions. I will warn you, some content may be very dense and personal. But I feel as though it needs to be shared. Here is my heart.